You only met him for a couple of hours yet everything he does just seem so sexy. So irresistible. So arousing. He touches your arm lightly and it sends electricity all over your body... and you crave for more. You look at how soft his lips are... and you imagine it in different places of your body that you desire. You look at his hands... and you imagine it caressing other parts.

    Maybe it's because of the way he makes you laugh. Or maybe it's the beautiful stream of people around you, the loud music, the beauty of the night. Or maybe you've been really lonely lately. Or maybe because you just need that feeling. Most of the time, maybe because of the alcohol. But at this moment, you know you want it.

Fast Forward.

    It's at that certain moment. Your lips are inches away from each other. You feel his breath on your face and his warmth on your body. This is it. The moment you go through it, he would hold you tight and it would feel like you would lose control.

Fast Forward. It happened.

    You wake up in the morning after a long night's sleep. Sometimes, with a big hangover. You think if what happened last night was real. It was. At this point, you're indifferent about it. Just a one night stand. You get up from your bed as if nothing really happened.

I admit that I've had a few of these moments. At those certain times, it felt that it was the thing that I wanted the most. But when I look back through them... it's not something that I really feel good about. It's not because of the men... I know that most of them tried to make that encounter as guilt-free and as pleasurable as possible. Mostly too, would try to make it unforgettable.

But it's not that. It's just not that.

As any other situations that I usually don't feel good about, so as not to regret it, I usually say that it was for the experience. Indeed, through those times I know I've learned something. I know how to recognize what certain men want. Sometimes, I can read through their lines. The look in their eyes. The tone of their voice. But I wonder... would I never really learn those things without going through them?

I don't feel bad about it. Nor do I feel good. Nor am I indifferent at this point. Maybe there's a little regret. No guilt. However you say that it's just for one night, that there were no strings attached whatsoever, you'll always bring that experience with you.

You? After months of the experience, how do you feel about it? Have you ever had a one-night-stand/no-strings-attached/casual sex that you truly, with all of your heart, cherish?

I have this special relationship with my cousin. You see, we never really grew up as cousins. As a child, we seldom saw each other since I was out of the country. I saw him from time to time, but we've never really had one of those bonds that cousins usually have.

It all started when I was a teenager. During breaks from high school, I'd see their family and most of the time, we'd spend the whole night in their balcony. We would talk about life, love, family and everything under the sun. We would talk until the sun rises. Mornings were such a sweet sorrow at those times. When school would start, I go back home and it would be another year until I see him and have one of our balcony moments again.

Between moving places for college, I had a couple of weeks when I needed a place to stay and I stayed with them. I would spend those times watching tv with him, playing video games, hanging out with our other cousins... until I would eventually sleep in their room. (He shared a room with his younger brother who was always out at those times.)

We slept really close to each other... and he would hug me so tight. So tight. I can never forget the comfort I felt in his arms and how his breath felt at the back of my neck. He would hug me before we would sleep, and would still be at the same position when we wake up. When I move a little, he would hug me tighter. There was a certain type of comfort in it that I cannot describe, but it made me feel safe. This usually happens whenever we'd go out of town with some friends.

Now, he's already engaged. I have to admit there's a certain type of jealousy... and I can never like that woman. There's nothing wrong about her, you see, she's just so... forgettable. Nothing really special about her... she's so plain. But don't take it from me, I guess she's really nice and all that. It's just the jealousy talking. Since he got engaged, I never really saw him that much. I never get to talk to him anymore. Whenever I would come over to his mom's place and he would also be visiting with his fiancee, I would always have this urge to leave. Some part of me feels like she took him away from me. Those sweet little moments that we shared.

Until tonight. There was a party at his mom's place and we were both there, his fiancee wasn't. We were catching up with our grandmother and he held my shoulders... my neck... and started to massage me. Right then and there. He told me I was too tense. Everything came back to me. The feeling of his arms around me... his breath... those talks that we had. I missed them. I missed him.

Perhaps it's just my longing for an older brother that I took a little too far. Perhaps I really feel something, and a part of me thinks... that he does too. Something that never happened, will never happen and I will never allow to happen. It's just a desire to keep inside, to suppress and just worth talking about in a secret Xanga.

[Oh, by the way, I posted a new picture. Check it out. ;) ]

First of all, this entry wouldn't have a sweet connection whatsoever on memories of my holidays or anything like that. But anyway before starting on the memoirs...

Merry Christmas to everyone! Have a good one out there. Let's not forget the true meaning of the holiday and look within our hearts to feel that warmth.

Now, for the reminiscing... I was browsing through my old entries and I found this. Way back from 2004 (I was 19):I think this is why I'm so much into older men.